-- C A K E M A N A C -- [This story is a history of events in the ancient-ish kingdom in CakeLand] (this story will get longer with time) The Cakes are a primitive society of cakes. They are mostly made up of Choco Cakes, Vanilla Cakes and Pineapple Cakes. Long ago over 3000 years ago... The cake race split into 3 factions (or flavours) because King Cakew advocated for CANNIBALISM :O. The new factions elected their leaders (King Chof of the Choco flavour, King Caks of the Vanilla flavour and King Pineappl the Firstish of Pineapple Cakes) and the reign of King Cakew ended. They declared war on each other. In the Battle of Flavourville between Pineapple and Choco in February of that year, a new technology called a 'bomb' was used by Pineapple. It caused over 667 deaths on both sides as the Pineapples are not great at intelligent placement and it killed more of their own soldiers. They lost the battle. Meanwhile King Cakew was assassinated by an agent of Choco and the king of pineapples, King Pineappl was killed in the bomb blast. In May 2000 BC, A peace deal was drafted by Vanilla. It was signed by July. But then, in October 1999 BC choco broke the treaty and started an invasion into the other two kingdoms. Pineapple fell first because it's army died after ingesting strange looking rice and Choco slaughtered all the citizens. By September 1990 BC only one fort of Vanilla was left: The fort of Farty Vanillas. The battle of Farty Vanillas was the deadliest battle at the time. King Chof died after sustaining injuries. His successor, King Choc led the army after that. They tried to scale the walls but failed because the defenders poured liquor down the walls, intoxicating and killing the scalers. Next, the Vanillas managed to retake Fort Old Fart in October but King Caks got injured and died later that day. His son, King Caks II took the throne. In November 1990 BC, the vanillas took the old territory of Pineapples and discovered a few thousand survivors hiding in the dust. The soldiers set them free and they revolted, with King Pine as their leader. On 22nd of November 1990 BC the Battle of the rise and fall and rise of Pineapple was fought at noon. The Pineapple Army went in but it turns out they didnt eat enough spinach and died within 2 minutes of reaching the enemy of scurvy. The vanilla army came in to support them by 3 PM. The choco won as the vanillas forgot to turn off the oven in their homes so they retreated to turn it off. On December 1 1990 BC, A new virus was discovered: Cakean Flu, the cake health authorities closed every shop and imposed curfew. But the virus turned out to be harmless. The panic caused the equivalent of $386,696,969 in damages to the stock market leading to an economic collapse. King Caks II fell from a high place and died. His son, King Cake4lyfe took over and led an invasion into Choco territory on 12 December but nobody won as every soldier died of food poisoning before even firing a single bullet. Santa Claus (in cake language: Santa Clause) declared that every cake will not get presents as they are murdering each other and being naughty and stuff. In protest cakes embraced Easter Bunny for presents instead. New year was celebrated with a bomb being detonated 442m above Fort Farty Vanillas, injuring 44, leaving 8 dead. On 1 January 1989 BC a new structure was inaugarated by King Pine at Fort Pines: a skyscraper made of paper. In trying to get nice selfies, 4 cakes died in a stampede. Later at 5:30 PM UTC the building collapsed because someone spat on the paper pillars crushing thousands. The death toll is at 77,644 including King Pine. (read: collapse.txt for a first hand account) In the collapse, a part of the building flew away and decimated the choco 34th regiment. A new fort was constructed by choco: Fort ChocoCake but it was destroyed by pineapple artillery minutes after it's opening. In February, the Battle of Vanilla and Choco was fought. A prominent cake, Cakes Vanilla was killed but not before he put up a great last stand. His body was mysteriously covered with slime. On 20 March 1989 BC a strange USB stick was delivered to every choco. It was actually a glitter bomb that infuriated choco authorities. Pineapple committed a genocide of choco at Cocoa Flavour Fort and planted a bomb in Cocoamart killed 96. Sometime in March 1989 BC someone pressed a strange red button in a farm causing a nuke to explode. Thankfully it only killed 40% of the population. A new tax is invented: Alive Tax, for when you are committing the misdemeanor of being alive. On 1 June 1989 BC, someone ate a burger and King Pine went of with a bang.His son, King Piner was a very bad king. He spent all his money on gambling, destroying the royal coffers then charging 96% tax on everything. By October 1989 BC the pineapples ran out of money. The vanillas bailed them out with 45.569 billion dollars but King Piner exhausted it in a day. A revolt was staged and King Piner was, to put it lightly, mutilated and replaced with King Pine'R'Us. On November 12 1989 BC King Choc died of drowning after swimming.. in the toilet bowl. Authorities say his body mixed with water and the sewers are chocolatey even today, 2991 years later. Santa Clause did not give a present this year also, citing, among other things, the deadly paper tower collapse. On New year's Eve, a cake fell into a chimney, turning him into cake goop. He survived the incident but now wears plastic bag to not turn into goop again. The incident went viral on Cakebook and he was ridiculed and forced to not go outside the house for 6 months. On January 20 someone died after getting tempted by a banana in the forest and fell into a trap set by hunters. But the trap did not look like cake tech! A surveillance squad was sent to Convieniently Placed Forest and camped there for many days. On January 30, they captured some strange beings. They called themselves "humans" and they threatened to "cancel all cakes". They had an IQ of 80 and can write stuff which for for reason cakes can read. Farty Vanillas was destroyed by a fart on February 12, 1988 BC. The surrounding cities of Vanilla Land, Vanilla Cream and Strange Vanillas were quarantined for fear of contamination spreading. The measures were lifted by March 12 1988 BC. When people returned, they found their houses turned into rubble. The whole city was destroyed. Nothing, even bacteria survived. Dead ants pile up on the streets, it was horrible,says Cako Pine, a tourist who intended to visit the fort but came a bit too late. In June, the economy finally returned to 2000 BC levels and the Battle of Hate was fought between Pineapple and Vanilla over control of oil fields. But then, blue jelly rained down on both armies. It had come from a plane. It tasted very good and the battle ended before a single bullet was fired. On 4th of July, the Second Battle of Hate was fought. But then it was found it was not oil; it was feces. The battle ended there. The 'human' specimen has screamed "i woll raport ya tu poleese". Anycake who knows what this means pweaase submit meaning to investigation@inv.gov.cak.choco.b1.c. cakenet.cakez. Death cap mushrooms were detected on 10th July. They are available 99.9883% off at Vanilla Mart. On 22nd of July, hundreds of people died after eating the mushrooms. It has become even more popular after it became viral on CakeTok. A new story was published: Mr. Fish by Cake Antoinette. SPOILER ALERT! THIS IS THE WHOLE STORY!: A fish was born. Then it got eaten by a whale. The end. In August 1988 BC CakeTok passed 69,696,969,696 downloads, mainly in Pineapple Kingdom. A new specimen was discovered: a SANDWICH. It has captured by campers staying in the same forest where the 'human' was found. More sandwiches were captured. There are probably a lot where that came from. Some explorers were sent on September 2 to explore more. They found a whole city of sandwiches. "it was scary: they captured humans and roasted and made "medyum rayr miit", whatever that means. The human specimen shouted "eyeweel koll nayn wan wan" and "keednaper". It also cried "mi naeme is kaeren pleese reelees mii". On September 15 a delegation was called from every flavour to meet at Fort Farty Vanillas and it was decided to send a combined army to invade the sandwich city for no reason. On October 6 1988 BC the combined army marched through the forest. But then some got killed because they ate chamelions. By noon the army reached the city but half the invading force got lured by their Japanese toilets and they went in and missed the battle. Just then, a massive jelly blob was given to the sandwiches and were tempted by it so they surrendered. The human specimen yelled "deez iz lazt chanz tu relees mii". In November, only 445 people died when a teeny tiny fireworks display went haywire. Santa Clause did not come this year also. On New Year, the choco kingdom held a costume contest but someone wore a terrorist outfit.. with genuine bomb. It detonated but it was just a toy water balloon but the water was boiling hot so 20 people were killed. Throughout January 1987 BC the human specimen kept shouting "i am raeddeet mooderaeter". After a thorough investigation by a choco team, it was found "raeddeet" is a "soeshal midia plahtfoerm" and a "mooderaeter" is a person who sits around policing the "raeddeet" but with no wage. Who knows why they do such things. On 2 February the battle of Pine and Choco The Second was fought. The choco won as the pineapples forgot to eat lunch so they were too hungry to fight. In March, something revolutionary happened: a new flavour of cake?! Known as Strawberry cake, they are just Vanilla cakes but draped in new cream. On 6 March, a cake of pineapple faction died after a pineapple fell on her. She received full military honours for no reason. On 12 March, the water quality of the Cake Municipal Water Supply Pipe was found to be dismal. The water turned out to be closer to wine than water. Caker Pine, 40, threw some grapes into the pipe, as a prank to intoxicate the city which he did. Over 5,667 people had hangovers. The following day, a copycat poured some hard liquor into it. This time 20,000 people got severe hangover and 20 died. In June, someone farted in an elevator, killing 5, then the gases spread to the rest of Fort Choco, killing 200. Then a supermarket decided the farts were too smelly and collapsed killed 1000. In total 1205 cakes lost their lives. Nothing happened in July. To be clear, The Nothing Cat-astrophy struck. Cats everywhere are dying of an unknown virus, if all cats die what will we use the inter- net for?. A new lab was formed to tackle this. It was called CatsLab. It is made up of 1765 researchers from the sandwich and cake civilizations. Although the work is deadly (because they have to get infected with it to test with it), we can liquify more researchers, $1 each. And when cat videos are at stake, we shall do everything. August. 40% of the cat population has died, and 2% are in cells, just in case the rest die. Those in the cells will be the kickstart to cat population, if the need arises. The disease has a name now: Cat Flu. Symptoms are: hyper activity, insomnia, fear of yarn balls and brain damage. It also causes rashes. Cure research is progressing. September is here. Millions more cats died, and cure progress has been set back as the vaccine is 100% lethal. Whole sanctuaries of cats are now empty, with only bodies to indicate there were once cats in it. Heavy rain worsened the epidemic. On October 2, the cure was found. By this point only 5% of cats remain. The virus was eradicated by 6 November, when the last infected cat, Fart Catt died of dehydration. On 20 November 1988 BC futbol fans climbed on a tall building because they did not want to buy tickets. Then the building collapsed under the weight of the 1035 people. Everybody was too lazy to rescue them and only 1 person survived, then died 2 weeks later because nobody manned the hospital (everyone was in futbol staediem) In December Santa Clause gave a chunk of coal to every cake. Everycake was happy that Santa gave a gift. On January 2 1987 BC a new phone was made the Pear ePhone. It can connect to the Internet, which was previously, a tool for only the smartest cakes. Now every cake, smart or dumb can access the Internot. In February a cake melted in the rain. Now the authorities are demanding that everyone wear raincoats. A new restaurant has opened: Donkey Donuts. It serves.. donkey slushies and donuts. In March cakes got access to the 'Internet' from a traveler human who had a "USBee Internet Moedem". Many people got a computer after raiding a "skuul compyuterr lab". Everyone liked "yootoob" and watched many cat videos on it. But in June everyone's net was terminated. The moedem needed "reechaarging" so cakes sent a squad to steal another. Soon everyone was on yootoob again. But the wisest cakes gathered: this one will need reechaarging again. They decided to steal a fiber optic cable and a datacenter to have permanent access to yootoob. On June 21 the raid was conducted. The speeds are now much better. Winter was uneventful. Probably because most cakes are holed up in their houses or cakecamps watching yootoob. In spring most people were busy with the Cake Day preparations. Cake day in 1986 BC falls on June 30. On July 30 Cake Day was celebrated with a massive cake balloon. Then it popped, burying over a thousand people in rubber. 431 people died in it. On August 2, cakes were in panic because thir fiber optic cable was torn. The following day, it was repaired by a bubmarine. But it caused thousands of cakes to suffer from not getting their dose of yootoob. In September cakes flocked to a nice site called "sdf" which is in the QWERTY keyboards! But most people are on Farcebook. Recently, a new computer virus is spreading . It is called Microhard Wendys. It takes over cake PCs by deleting their favourite OpenBased and Leenucs OS. People are buying OpenBased discs in case they get infected so that they are able to clear the infestation. A cake squad has intruded into a city of humans and stole a MaacBooc Ayer and a pair of 'eerpodds". It is said eerpodds were put inside humans' ears, for no reason and they talked to themselves whole day. The squad also implanted a camera on a 'trayn' to see how humans behave. Most of them spend their time watching strange stuff on TeekTokk but some are more sensible and not watch "Girlfriend hires E-BF". In October another squad of cakes stole some documents called RFCs which are stuff used to create internet stuff from a 70 year old and now a new network is in construction: CAKENET: For Cakes, By Cakes. Yootoob will get replaced by Caketoob. On November 28 cakeland split off from the internet. Only "SDF" was allowed to pass the firewall (aka. Firecake). This means the Microhard Wendys virus will cease to exist. The battle of vanilla and choco electric boogaloo was fought. Then everybody fainted from the heat. In December everyone was holed up again. A thing called gopher is now the most popular stuff out there. Like supa popular. TikTok has been displaced by it! On New Year everyone was celebrating when it started raining so thousands turned into goop. They are now in plastic jackets. In February a new potato market has opened. They are kept in huge piles. But on March 4 every pile fell because of winds caused by a fart. A potato-wave destroyed large parts of Vanilla, almost all of choco and half of pine. Buildings were crushed, and hundreds of thousands of people were buried under piles of potatoes. At it's lowest speed it traveled at 688 km/h. At it's fastest it went at 3,070 km/h. The sonic boom was heard everywhere. The noises are estimated at 1000 decibels. According to information from the Human Internet, on a site called "www.bbcc.com": "A mysterious sound was heard on Farto Island, coming from the Island of Crepitu, which is only inhabited by the tribe of Cakes." A small ship was seized by the Cake Protection Authority and it had some stuff in it: "caned beens", "kaerots" and "tomaetoes". The people onboard peed their pants so hard they died so sadly we can't torture- I meant "integrate" them into cake life. On 2 June 1985 BC the Cakeday Deciding Committee (CDC) said cake day will fall on June 6. On June 6 they unveiled the greatest piece of cake tech: giant whoopie cushion. But then it exploded, killing 4. Rubber from the explosion plugged drainage systems so a massive flood happened. Over 30 died. But hey, our fishing industry got revived! On June 11 the smells from Fort Farty Vanillas Fish Mart asphyxiated 94. "it was.. uh.. smelly" says Cak Vanilla, 58. 37 are in ICU. On June 15 30 people were discharged but 7 died. It was the worst smell catastrophe since The Fart Explosion a while back. A new TV station is here: Vanilla TV. It has a magic show where magicians demonstrate their skill of farting WHENEVER they want! and a news program, which is quite boring because THERE IS NO FUNNY ADS ON THERE!! WAA!! On June 21 another TV channel opened: Choco Farterz TV. This one is fun! features: World's Largest Fart Bomb! Even the news is interesting, with its anchors wearing clown costumes. On July 2 cakes gathered to view the world's longest sandwich at 6.6 km. It overloaded every oven in cakeland causing 78% of ovens to fail. Thankfully they all got repaired.. FOR FREE! Well, everybody got.. uh.. indestion from a fly which landed on it. It turns out it was made by Tacoe Belle. Of course everyone got sick! In July everybody got these TheenkPadds T60s from a factory the Cake Tech Squad stole from. It will replace their 20 years old Delle laptops. These new ones have reakky good battery life of 2 hours compared to 6 minutes of the Delle laptops. August brought some rainfall. About 2.2 L of rain. It is very light rainfall this year compared to the 998 L rain of January 2008 BC where Cyclone Fartus landed and 2075 cakes died, 56 melted into goop and 16,678 were injured. On September 6 cakes stole a "telayvision" and a "sattellii te Caeble TV Box". It has many "channels" instead of the cake term "rings". One channel called CCNN is very boring. But Disnep Channel is fun. A new agency to steal humans' possessions has been formed: Forum of stealing ARt and Technology (FART). Here is the news for September 7: Cake goes gliding, crashes into public toilet, pilot dipped into toilet bowl water. An encyclopaedia called "Weekeepee dia" and cakes now know about this land called "Americca". It has McDonalds, which cakes got a taste of some weeks ago by method of robbing McDonalds. On October 2, cakes found out SDF means Silver Diamine Flouride. Wow! And a new planet has been found: Joopeeter. It has a moon called Peeres. A new game has released for the TheenkPadds: Be A HouseFly by game company Vim. In December 98 cakes froze because of the cold. They got unfrozen but 3 of them turned into goop from the defrosting process which involves water (specifically rainwater). On New Year 1984 BC cakes lit a firework. But then it expl- oded prematurely, covering hundreds with ash. A new politi- cal party has emerged: Pocket Party (PP) whose election promises are free toilet paper and hand pocket warmers. In February the economy and stock market went to a record high of 6.64 billion dollars (877 billion cakemoney). This is probably due to everyone buying and selling more and less wars happening. Oh and everyone bought these new USC thumb drives. On March 29, someone really obese sat on a public toilet at Fort Chocololz, then it broke under her weight. She weighed in at 655 kg. BRAKING NEWS: Computer named "G. Pentium" alleges he was not allowed into CAKE Fashion Show because of his race. In April the FART stole a "QRP traanzmitterr" and sent out the message "hello farters" in morse (in cake terms: mouse) code. Now there are 56 radio stations! Including CAKEfm 111 mHz whose timetable is: Monday: 9:30 AM to 7:30 PM- Farts Cake / 7:30 to 8:00 PM- CAKE NEWS Tuesday: 6:40 AM to 6:00 PM- Stolen Musics / 6:00 to 8:00- CAKE NEWS Wetnesday: same as monday Thursday : same as tuesday Frieday: 1:00 AM to 5:00 AM- Stolen Musics / 5:00AM to 7:30 PM- NEWS SaTURDay: transmitter turned off Sunday: transmitter used for experimental stuff (TeleCalling?!) after CAKE NEWS (tm) the transmitter is turned off to save (really scarce) electricity. On May 3 a new bookstore opened: Bookwormz. Instead of just selling stolen books, they also sell cake originals like C A K E M A N A C and Guide to steal Stuff from Humans. The C A K E M A N A C has been translated from Cakean Beebon to English (excerpt of original: R Cakew drf bill, cakeland bop :O to choco vanilla pineapl. Leed elected (romanized)) On May 15 1984 BC a Cake Seismic Index Level XI (extreme) quake hit choco lands. Massive cracks 7 cm wide emerged in streets. Almost all houses in choco land are broken. Onlookers said "I thought I was drunk: the road jumped up and down for 2 minutes". Over 4,600 people have died. According to BBCC: "A magnitude 9.6 quake happened at an island in the Atlantic ocean. It was felt in Europe, Africa, Americas and Asia. 47,866 humans are dead" On May 16 thousands of aftershocks happened. Some cake threw a bit of mentoes into the water. But it turns out the sewers are full of Coco Cole for some reason. The explosion rocked the island, destroying 6 buildings. On May 21 1984 BC mosquitoes were declared the Enemy Numbah One. War on Mosquitoes program has started, exterminating millions of mosquitoes in a single day. On May 28 cakes got a new arcade machine: Duper Morio Sisters. It's really fun game by Binbenbo Gamez and Warez Co. On June 4 1984 BC public toilets were clogged as people followed a social media trend that said "flush toilet paper!". After the incident, everybody is now using bucket of water and soap to wash their bunz. Atleast it's not plugged and everybody will not need to buy another plunger. A new cafe has opened: Rent A Coffee where you get to rent coffee. But allergy warning: contains sawdust. On June 16 the FART stole a "smort watch" that humans use to count their steps. It's quite useful, because it has flappy bird on it. YAY! On July 6 everyone tried skydiving. But everyone forgot their parachutes so many people were injured (nobody died) On July 11 the Battle of Pie was fought over a specimen of a pie between Pine and Vanilla. But the pie was just a Pine apple cake drizzled in honey. Remember the famous cake who died in slime? it turns out the slime is actually.. jello. And the cake is alive! :O. In August cakes got a new OS: TempleOS. It's so fun, much more fun than OpenBased. (to be contd. Latest update: 18-8-23 15:50 UTC) This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.